Happiness, Glitter & Daydreams

It's happening ... I am getting older and moving into a new phase of my life the 40's!

This has been quite an adjustment to get my mind around , not because it is a milestone birthday ... but rather because my life is not where I had dreamt and imagined it would be.

I am not someone who get overly sentimental about milestone birthday's , but I do love a party and will usually take any occassion to be able to organise a get together .... but not this year!
I have been wrestling with hurt , disappointment , disillusionment , anger , frustration ..impatience and so much more!

You see, all I ever desired and dreamt of was ... having a family and a white picket fence. Coming from a broken home and being an only child life left me a little battered and bruised and so I always turned to this dream  as a source of comfort (that the loneliness of childhood would be displaced)

... enter reality!

I am divorced after being deserted and abandoned , I have no kids , I don't own a home , my car well it's more broken than functional and well life is just tough!
The hardest part is the yearning and longing for a life partner , the laughs , the smiles , the hugs ... the looks across a crowded room ... I miss these and my heart aches for it.

These feelings have resulted in a bout of depression and a lack of desire for any kind of celebration ...

All these have left me wrestling my emotions and clinging to God.

Today is the first day in a few months where I feel the cloud has lifted slightly , that I can actually try and move forward again. My friends have been amazing and I love each and every one.

My mom I know has planned a party and I am looking forward to it this weekend , I am just trusting God to give me peace , remove the tears and fill my heart with joy again.

I thought I would share two of my favourite verses with you that I turn to in tough times ...

BEAUTY FOR ASHES
'and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.' NIV - Isaiah 61:3

JOY IN THE MORNING
' For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.' NIV - Psalm 30:5

So there you have them , I am choosing to move forward and embrace my future and trust that God has someone special out there for me ... here's to turning 40!