You know its been the most interesting journey the last four months or so, if anything God has shown me my weaknesses but also my strengths.

You see for the longest time, including lockdown I have been looking for love. In an ordinary world that does not sound difficult but for a divorced (12yrs) forty something year old Christian who does not believe in sex before marriage. It is nigh on impossible! So as all others do I resorted to dating apps and surprise surprise I actually had a fe coffee dates, a meal or two and enjoyed myself. However I quickly figured out that God had restored my self worth and that the men simply looking for sex were dismissed without thought. Those looking for relationship, but only with sex? Well., some became friends and some not so much. Those who were happy just being friends? Well, I had one or two around for dinner and it freaked me out. I realised my home is my haven and not only do I want the right partner, but he has to feel like home.

I have never in all my life wanted my space vacated as much or as quickly as when the wrong person came to visit. Well this may not be a happy ending story, it is one of victory! i now waking up praising God for showing me that I have grown and matured. I would honestly rather been alone and struggle with that reality for the rest of my days, than be with someone God didn't put in my path.

Stay true to yourself ladies and keep God at the centre you can't go wrong!  

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!

 So for anyone still out there it has been 6 six years since last I posted here .... what? It's true time flies and guess we evolve, change and some things get left behind.

Sadly once again I find myself in need of a place to dump my rantings and ramblings as I try to navigate my life. My struggle to find love and my clinging to my faith ... even when I feel disconnected.

There are so many different kinds of love. There is being "in love", there is the love you have for your parents, the love you have for your kids, the love you have for your friends and family, the love you have for your pets, the love you have for God and then there is THAT love. You know the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with - if it only it were that easy!

Being in my late forties (and divorced for 12 year), I never could have comprehended the challenges I would have in meeting someone, let alone someone like minded. Why is love so elusive? I wish I could answer, it is something I struggle with daily.

I find it hard not to question and challenge God. I have been faithful, I have followed His teachings. I have without any intimacy (celibate) for more than 12 years, so why do I not deserve love? In all honesty - I don't know, but I need to believe. I need to hang onto HIS promises no matter what!

So I continue to battle on, some days are tear filled, others are blissfully unaware - but always believing my turn will come.

x x H

So I guess they say that life happens ... And boy it sure does!

My life has been the most incredible year filled with turmoil , revelation , sadness , happiness and everything in between. Whilst may have changed 180' I am still in the midt of sadness with my gran in hospital after having a stroke and I really wish our daddy in heaven would just take her home now, she is in so much pain and unable to speak ... It's pure torture!

My life this past year has been a journey of a disappointing promise , which led to the most amazing job which has me feeling excited and fulfilled everyday.

I hit the most debilitating depression about 4 months ago which has led to a personal health and weightloss journey and a shedding of some 22kg's so far.

I have started exercising and fit camp and I honestly feel more healthy than I have in a very long time.

My journey has been amazing but the one constant that has kept me going and focused is God , never forget how awesome and powerful our God is!

Gosh it's been a rough patch lately , I landed my dream job and thought everything would just be cotton candy and clear skies ....wrong!

For the last three weeks I have been sicker than I ever remember being , I had a double whammy cold followed by a kidney infection which truly was no joke at all!

In the midst of all of this Satan somehow managed to throw in a good measure of anxiety attacks and depression the likes of which I only experienced when I got divorced some 6 years ago.

It has been a dark and lonely place despite loads of support and prayer , i found myself fluctuating between sombre mood swings and tears that no one could placate let alone me try and explain.

How do you share that you are drowning when you should be celebrating , going from 3 months of zero income into a place of paying all accumulated debt and freedom ... or is it?

I have realised that I put expectations on myself which far outweigh the expectations of others but worst of all I stopped looking to God for provision and looked to myself. After 3 days of prayer and fasting with the church I am so humbled and grateful to say that I had a breakthrough yesterday!

For the first time in two weeks I woke up this morning with a glimmer of hope , less stress and anxiety and the feeling that all will be okay as long as God is at the centre.

THANK YOU LORD FOR NEVER LETTING ME GO EVEN IN THE TROUBLED TIMES!

Gosh darnit , I had the best of intentions and then somehow life just happened. I am sorry I have been so scarce but it really has been less of me and learning learning and learning some more.

My dreadful year has continued and what I thought was my dream job turned out to be a disaster but hey I'm still standing and entering a new chapter in my life come August ...God is good!

One thing I have never lost sight of is God and I can honestly say 'JUST HAVE FAITH!' it is the hardest thing on the planet to walk in faith but let me tell you the last 3 months have taught me that money DOES NOT rule my life , I can survive and God blesses even in disaster!

Even though this is just a quick check in to say , I want to trust God to deposit Romans 8 v 31 into each and everyone of your hearts and may you all be blessed.

I learn and discover daily how destructive the tongue can be ... it is indeed like a double edged sword!

I just want to say from personal experience , never let anyone speak words into your life ... I don't mean 'prophetic words' those are a separate issue to be weighed , shared and valued differently.

I mean those words where in a discussion or argument someone says 'you have issues' or 'you are like this because of your past'.
If you have found your identity in Christ, if you have given Him your all , you are a 'New Creation' in him so let no one plant seeds of destruction or hurt in your life.

I celebrate again today the joy of 'frugal finances' thankful for what I have , but also freedom, freedom of my spirit and soul. A reconnection to my creator with no clouds , no ambiguities and certainly 'no voices' wishing to diagnose my personality and share untruths.

I am free
I am honest
I know who I am in Christ
I am loved
I am blessed
and most of all I am happy!

Come celebrate with me and share God's love by planting a kind word , a heartfelt thanks to someone you know or maybe even a hug ... make a positive difference in someone's life today.

So here I sit once again , taken for a ride , used , abused and then treated like rubbish! Your words echo in my head 'trust me' , 'we are not like the others' , 'we stand for empowering people' and yet here we are ...

I am left with no finances , my cats sit without food , I have no petrol to visit my mom who is just out of hospital and you say you are doing things with 'honesty and integrity' really? and then you say 'so help me God'?

You don't even believe in God! You believe in a higher power or something like that ...

BUT!

I know my God , He see all, He hears all and He knows me by name. He has taught me that 'If God is for us NO MAN or WOMAN can stand against us' Romans 8 v31 and I know that once again he will restore me with beauty for ashes.

I forgive you and choose to purge this hurt and pain from my heart today , but I do not like you and I have now seen the truth behind the facade.

May God truly be with you because I sure know that He is indeed by my side ... I am a winner , I am more than a conqueror and I will go great places all on the foundation of my precious Lord & Saviour!

Despite what you have done and are doing I still choose ...

Wow , what a week it has been ... hospital runs , a crazy busy schedule and then the proverbial rug get pulled out from under your feet.

Life is full of challenges and the workplace seems to be one of the greatest and whilst I don't want to get into that , I do wish to share something the bible has taught us and yet we always seem to forget it.

Never put your Faith in people ... as in ever , people will disappoint you ... but God is Faithful!

Today as I get ready for a new day , it's a new journey , a new challenge and I don't know where it will take me. All I can do is trust and pray that God's hand is in all of it and that He will direct my path.

I came across a lovely devotional yesterday that spoke about the 'Crossroads of Life' and that all you need do is trust God to lead you in making the right choices .... keeping Him at the centre of all your choices.

Let's do this!

It's been a long two weeks and the terrible start to the year seems unending as once again we have had 3 members of my family in hospital. Despite the obvious challenges I really am trying very hard to find joy in the  journey ...

Life is so precious and in the blink of an eye you may find yourself sitting in an emergency room , praying for God to spare the life of a loved one , not once but twice as I did these past two weeks. It is however super important to be thankful and steadfast in your Faith, as if there is no foundation in your family who else can carry their cross but you ... giving all to God and submitting your family even when they are not believers is so important ...surrender all to Him and trust Him , for He is Faithful.

This week my mum had a hip replacement and I am so grateful to the Doctor's who do miraculous operations these days , but I am also grateful to God who always ensures that she gets the best possible care and attention.

Celebrate each new day and find the joy in your journey ...never forgetting to be thankful to our Lord God Almighty!