You know its been the most interesting journey the last four months or so, if anything God has shown me my weaknesses but also my strengths.

You see for the longest time, including lockdown I have been looking for love. In an ordinary world that does not sound difficult but for a divorced (12yrs) forty something year old Christian who does not believe in sex before marriage. It is nigh on impossible! So as all others do I resorted to dating apps and surprise surprise I actually had a fe coffee dates, a meal or two and enjoyed myself. However I quickly figured out that God had restored my self worth and that the men simply looking for sex were dismissed without thought. Those looking for relationship, but only with sex? Well., some became friends and some not so much. Those who were happy just being friends? Well, I had one or two around for dinner and it freaked me out. I realised my home is my haven and not only do I want the right partner, but he has to feel like home.

I have never in all my life wanted my space vacated as much or as quickly as when the wrong person came to visit. Well this may not be a happy ending story, it is one of victory! i now waking up praising God for showing me that I have grown and matured. I would honestly rather been alone and struggle with that reality for the rest of my days, than be with someone God didn't put in my path.

Stay true to yourself ladies and keep God at the centre you can't go wrong!  

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!

 So for anyone still out there it has been 6 six years since last I posted here .... what? It's true time flies and guess we evolve, change and some things get left behind.

Sadly once again I find myself in need of a place to dump my rantings and ramblings as I try to navigate my life. My struggle to find love and my clinging to my faith ... even when I feel disconnected.

There are so many different kinds of love. There is being "in love", there is the love you have for your parents, the love you have for your kids, the love you have for your friends and family, the love you have for your pets, the love you have for God and then there is THAT love. You know the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with - if it only it were that easy!

Being in my late forties (and divorced for 12 year), I never could have comprehended the challenges I would have in meeting someone, let alone someone like minded. Why is love so elusive? I wish I could answer, it is something I struggle with daily.

I find it hard not to question and challenge God. I have been faithful, I have followed His teachings. I have without any intimacy (celibate) for more than 12 years, so why do I not deserve love? In all honesty - I don't know, but I need to believe. I need to hang onto HIS promises no matter what!

So I continue to battle on, some days are tear filled, others are blissfully unaware - but always believing my turn will come.

x x H

Life is a series of experiences , of learning , falling and picking yourself up again. I am turning 40 shortly and never have I been more aware than now of how fast life moves , how dreams can sometimes be changed by circumstance and by how with maturity comes the confidence to not be swayed by others opinions and insecurities.

What I have however come to realise is that life can be lonely... yes even in a room full of people , that Faith is what keeps you going , Hope is what drives you and depression ... that which can very easily drag you down.

This year I have really struggled to come to terms with my singleness , my loneliness for a life partner and my longing for a home. I have had to make a conscious decision to keep walking and not let depression try and take hold of me and consume me.

Don't get me wrong ... if life were measured in friends I consider myself a millionaire ... yet no one can fill that role of a mate , the closeness , the love , the looks across the room and yes, even the disagreements. Life of a singleton is a very lonely place ... even more so in a Christian society.

Modern society has added to this state of seperation, due to promiscuity and adultery friends can no longer be trusted and people tend to draw in the familiar  'like looking for like' in otherwords you will seldom find single friends at a family orientated gathering ... we are the percieved 'threat' often thought of as desperate ... yeah whatever!

So short of going to single friends who are all women anyway meeting Mr Right is left to God because heaven alone knows it is not easy.

'Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.' 
Psalm 55:22

I am trying my best to embrace the 40's after all I am reminded everyday that life supposedly starts at 40!


Today I lay my worries at the Lord's feet and once again ...

I am going on forty this year , life has had it's up's and downs, but little could've prepared me for my current reality.
I am divorced , I have no children , I am lonely and my heart yearns for so much more.

The funny thing is that just today I was chatting to my mum and saying that I am at peace with not having kids ... If I could just meet someone to share my life with I would be so happy .... A hippocrate, that's what I am!

All it takes is one chick flick of happy marriages and family ...sweet romance  , cute pinched up noses and I am history ...yep a mushy mess of mascara and self pity ....Blegh!

You see I've been around long enough to understand that no relationship is 'Hunkey Dorey' all of the time. I know it takes work , sacrifice and sometimes a lot of self control ..... However I have also tasted of the companionship , the happy times and the joy that comes from being really good friends  in a relationship.... It is this that I miss, more than I could ever explain.

So what is my point? Well today I am just putting it 'out there ' in the hope that The Lord will send me someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who will see past my physical flaws and see the heart inside just dying to lavish love on a person. Someone I trust and hope will be my best friend and confidante.

You see I believe if you speak it , release it and let it go ....it is then finished ...part of the past ....and the beginning of a new start. After all that is why I named this blog CHOOSING HAPPINESS!